Wise Living Blog

University of Colorado college physics course. A persistent gender gap: the girls get worse test scores than the boys, and end up with lower grades at the end of the semester.

The teachers have tried various things to fix it – extra tutorials, etc. – but none worked.

Until one surprising intervention made the difference. From Discover Magazine,

“Researcher Akira Miyake recruited 283 men and 116 women who were taking part in the university’s 15-week introductory course to physics. He randomly divided them into two groups. One group picked their most important values from a list and wrote about why these mattered to them. The other group – the controls – picked their least important values and wrote about why these might matter to other people.

Miyake also gave the students a standard test called the Force and Motion Conceptual Evaluation (FMCE), which checks their understanding of basic physics concepts. In Miyake’s control group, the men outscored the women, as they usually do. But the women who wrote about their values closed the gap entirely.”

Wow. The complex, intractable science gender gap…the thing that is born of years of conditioning, the thing we keep debating nature vs. nurture about – was erased because of 30 minutes of writing – and writing that had nothing to do with physics?

Remarkably, this study was modeled after another one that showed that the grades of black students improved after they did the writing drill – and their grades were still lifted (relative to the control group) two years later.

As a coach, every day I see the power of people clarifying and connecting to their values, reconnecting to what is important to them. I’ve seen that it brings them energy, clarity, a kind of peace, and a lot of joy. But it turns out it really effects performance too.

In the academic world, these experiments fall under a domain of research about “stereotype threat” – which is this: the culture has a stereotype (i.e. women aren’t as good as men at science) and then women internalize that stereotype, and either 1) hold that belief about themselves, which then affects their performance or 2) are afraid of confirming the stereotype through their own mistakes/poor performance, and therefore experience a lot of extra stress in doing the task, which creates poor performance. I’ve personally felt both of these – and I’m guessing you have too.

Researchers look at the writing exercise as a kind of “psychological shield” against stereotype threat. Women who believed that men were better than women at physics most benefited from the exercise – their grades showed the biggest change. Researches haven’t yet identified exactly why the writing exercise functions this way, but I would say its some combination of:

1) The writing exercise helps you disidentify with the stereotyped group, and conceptualize yourself as an individual — thereby distancing yourself from the stereotype

2) By putting your attention on the things that are important to you, you shift your energy out of fear/stress and into centeredness, inspiration, and even love.

3) You literally connect to yourself, and when we do that, our natural intelligence and abilities flow forth.

This study illustrates so beautifully one of my most deeply held convictions: to do great things in the world, we need a combination of inner work and worldly work. Frankly, that’s what I’m most excited about in my new women’s leadership program, Playing Big, and what I think is most pioneering about it – the fusion of inner work and outer work.

We have to be in the right energetic place, inwardly, to do remarkable things. We have to have cleared the cobwebs of fears and negative beliefs about ourselves – and rooted ourselves in our authentic passions.

But we also need the “outer work” – the skills training. We need to know skills that allow us to use our genius effectively in the world. Only taking the physics class (just doing the wordly work part) left women underperforming men, and literally disconnected from their own brilliance. But if they had just spent time writing about their values, without taking a physics class, those women wouldn’t have the impact they want to have as doctors and scientists.

So here’s the headline: you can dramatically impact your abilities by connecting to yourself. I mean geez, it lifts physics test scores — can’t get much more concrete results than that.

Take fifteen minutes and write about your most important values and what is important to you about them. Do it twice over the next couple weeks. See what happens.

More broadly, notice in your life, how fear of poor performance, or negative beliefs about yourself, literally disconnects you from your own voice and your own brilliance. And develop some simple practices that help you click right back in to the heart of you.

Love,

Tara

p.s. COME JOIN ME for Playing Big, a women’s leadership/change-the-world/share-your-voice experience that will change your life. I promise.

Something very sweet happened this week. The Girl Effect organization named me as a “Girl Champion of 2010.” You can see their post about it here.

I want to tell you the story of how this came about, because I think it says a lot about what actually allows us to play big, and what actually causes us to get recognition.

So here’s the story.

Back in October, I made a new friend, Rachel Cole, a fellow life coach. Rachel told me about how much she loved food and community, and how she had organized a series of large, open-to-everyone food gatherings where everyone had to bring something homemade. They became a very hot thing here in San Francisco.

She told me about her “Wisdom books,” blank books she creates and distributes. People write a piece of wisdom and then pass it on to the next person, who writes their piece of wisdom. Dozens of these are circulating around the world. In the end the books get mailed back to her, and she’s going to do something amazing with them.

She told me about her “Porridge Manifesto” (then in progress, now ready for you), her reflections on making porridge and making a good life (Rachel shows us that there are a lot of parallels.)

You get the idea. All of these are stunningly unique, very cool. And the amazing thing is, she’s doing them.

After talking to Rachel about her creative projects, several things were evident to me:
• She gets an incredible amount of joy out of each
• Each one is the fruit of her own unique vision and creative inspiration
• She gets the ideas and then moves forward in making them a reality
• I could learn a thing or two from all this.

I realized: I was doing a lot of creative stuff in my life, particularly writing, but I wasn’t quite doing this: listening for and taking action around the inspirations I had to create things in the world.

I could remember a time I was living more like Rachel, which for me, was actually during the second half of high school. During that time, when a creative idea came that felt totally inspiring, resonant, meant to be – I would pretty much go with it. As a result of that, I was doing all kinds of pretty incredible things (performing a one-woman show, changing my high school English curriculum so it included more women writers, etc.), etc.

What I experienced during that time is that doing that brought me more recognition and praise than “working hard” and “competing” and “striving” ever did. Odd. It was easier. It was lighter. It was more fun. And it brought more worldly success and praise at the end.

I had left that space of free-flowing-ness with creative inspirations (outside of writing, that was.) I thought – I’m going to do this differently.

A couple weeks later, I came across the videos for The Girl Effect, a social media campaign spreading the message that one of the best ways to end world poverty is to invest in girls’ education and health.

I kept being drawn back to the videos, again and again, and one day, the idea popped up, fully formed: there should be a day when The Girl Effect takes over the blogging world – a day when everyone is writing about it.

All I had to do was let that creative impulse flow. All I had to do was not-do: not stop up that impulse with self-doubt or over-thinking or fear. Then the doing part (coordinating, completing tasks, etc.) was easy. And so I created a Girl Effect Blogging Campaign, and 170+ bloggers participated (and you still can if you’d like!), and tens of thousands more people were reached with The Girl Effect Message. And that’s how I became one of their Girl Champions of 2010.

Was I an expert in blogging campaigns or international development or girls in the developing world? No.

I had an idea, inspiration, and the sense of deep rightness about moving forward with it.
 
We get planted with seeds — ideas, visions for something that wants to be created, and has chosen us to be its steward.

I think of them often as “assignments” because it can feel like the universe has just given us an assignment: “this work is yours to do.” They also feel to me like magic carpets, that sweep by us and hover and say, “step on, step on.” They carry the momentum, and we can be moved into incredible action by them if we allow ourselves to be.

Playing big happens when we allow our ideas and creative impulses to flow forth freely into action. It’s actually the result of doing that.

Here’s what is amazing. For my Playing Big course, I’m interviewing lots of women who know quite a bit about Playing Big. They are hanging out at #1 on the NY Times best seller list, speaking at TED, contending for “Time Magazine’s 100” – the 100 most influential people in the world.

So far, no one is playing big out of a project they carefully planned and prepared for decades, with all kinds of perfecting of an idea. What’s common in all their stories is a mindset and that mindset is: I’m open to inspiration, to ideas. When those powerful ones come and capture my mind and heart – I go with them. Wisely and boldly – they go for them.

They go with them not out of a desire for world domination, not out of a desire to create something big or achieve fame, but out of intense curiosity, inspiration and joy.

And then they get practical – they put all their skills and smarts and worldly knowledge to use in making the idea happen.

So the question is: is your narrative that success and praise and recognition come from all kinds of striving and becoming someone that you are not? What if it actually comes from within, quite literally, in that it comes from paying attention to your own creative inspirations and becoming a steward of them?

Could remarkable success and big impact actually come from being guided, receiving ideas from who knows where, and serving the ones that plant themselves in your heart?

Signs point to yes.

To learn more about the Playing Big course, CLICK HERE.

Love,

Tara

What is Playing Big?

It’s realizing you have world-class ideas.

It’s realizing you have a story to tell that the world needs to hear.

It’s sharing your vision for the company with the CEO.

It’s raising your hand in the back of the lecture and saying what you think the speaker is just not seeing.

It’s believing that your opinion belongs on the op-ed page of your city’s newspaper as much as anyone else’s does.

It’s publishing the book, putting up the art show, launching the business, starting the nonprofit organization.

It’s letting your ideas, creative impulses, and desire to serve flow forth freely into action, no longer stopped up by fear and self-doubt.

It’s activating voice, owning power, amplifying impact.

Playing big is so much more fun than playing small. And it serves the world so much better.

In fact, I believe that the world is going to be brought back to sanity and balance by thoughtful, ethical people like us playing bigger – by us seeing our ideas as more worthy, by all of us sharing those ideas at the tables that matter, by all of us taking bold action.

That is one of the big reasons I created this program, Playing Big. It’s the women’s leadership/share your voice/change the world program I wish I’d had, and it’s based on the tools and concepts that have been instrumental for me in my journey from playing small to playing big.

It’s about coming forward more fully with your ideas, voice, vision. It’s about learning to deal wisely with the fear and self-doubt that can get in your way. It’s about learning the practical skills – negotiation and public speaking and publishing and all that – that will allow you to have greater impact in the world. It’s about connecting with a phenomenal community of women who will support you in Playing Big.

HERE’S THE INFORMATION, all the details, and the opportunity to sign up. Oh, and by the way, if you sign up before March 17th, you’ll get a bunch of fabulous goodies for free, from some of my favorite bloggers and teachers (more about that on the information page). I hope you’ll join me for an incredible journey.

Love,

Tara

Oh angel, messenger,
face in the mirror –

Something keeps asking me
to see my face.
Something waits for me,
is waiting for a meeting
I am busy putting off.

But when this odyssey has reached its end,
you will know it by my face:
clear like a porcelain bowl,
lenient and tender,
round as humility,
All open, all true

My face will curve itself
around gravity toward you.
And you – angel, messenger, long lost friend -
will silk my cheek to your palm.

All is forgiven.
All floats like air and streams like water.
All tumbles down into the river of compassion.

Then we’ll meet one another, all of us, in the field,
And, turning northward,
Decide to take the long way home.

-Tara Sophia Mohr

This poem is included in Heather Plett’s beautiful new collection of writings, “Sophia Rises: Changing the World Through Feminine Wisdom.” You can download the collection HERE.

As you know, last summer, I wrote an article called 10 Rules for Brilliant Women at The Huffington Post. I receive a lot of email about the article, but of the ten rules, this one seems to resonate the most:

Rule #5: Be an Arrogant Idiot: Of course I know you won’t, because you never could. But please, just be a little more of an arrogant idiot. You know those guys around the office who share their opinions without thinking, who rally everyone around their big (often unformed) ideas? Be more like them. Even if just a bit. You can afford to move a few inches in that direction.

Of course, I don’t really want more arrogant idiots in the world, male or female. Arrogant idiot behavior is taxing to be around, and it causes incredible amounts of waste – of human and financial capital –as people throw out a big idea, generate enthusiasm – and lead a team or company or organization into failure, wasting thousands or millions of dollars along the way – because they didn’t do the right kind of research, feedback-gathering, or humble assumption-testing first.

But many women err in the other direction. The “little voice” in our heads pops up, to say that if it was a great idea, someone else would have thought of it. That we couldn’t possibly have the expertise or qualifications to put forward an idea that will transform our company or industry or country or world.

I want to say: if not you, who? I mean that quite literally. If not a well-intended, caring, ethical and thoughtful person like you – then who?

Your idea doesn’t need to be perfect now – but it does need to be put out there – so that it can mature, get more nuanced, and have it’s impact on the world.

I recently got this note from a blog reader, in response to my post on Playing Big:

“One thing I’ve noticed with women is how frequently we feel the need to keep preparing: “I don’t know enough, I need more classes” when many men will jump in half prepared and just “go for it”!

What’s strange is that I see this same behavior in my children, my son will raise his hand first thing in class when he doesn’t even know the answer – he just wants to be called on and then he’ll figure something out! My daughters on the other hand would not even raise their hands unless they were sure about the answer. It seems in the nature versus nurture debate – nature definitely has the upper hand (or maybe its just testosterone!).”

I suspect the “why” is some combination of nature and nurture, but who knows? What matters is that we need to be aware of this tendency in ourselves and to respond consciously to it.

Many of us need to be should be saying things that make us feel as if we are being arrogant idiots – doing the things that activate the little voice in our heads that says, “Don’t say that! What do you know? Leave it up to them (the boss, the experts, etc.)…they most see something about this picture you don’t, etc.

So here’s a little quiz for you. Choose A or B, whichever you feel best applies to you.

A: I propose my own unique ideas when they are well researched, fully formed, and tested in some way. __

B: I propose my own unique ideas when they are still forming, untested, un-researched – and I’m not sure if they are right or not. __

***

A: I feel qualified to speak mainly on the things I have formal training or deep expertise in. __

B: I think my smarts, critical thinking skills, and unique way of looking at the world give me something valuable to contribute on a wide range of subjects and I share my opinions and ideas – even when I don’t have training or deep expertise in the topic at hand. __

***

A: It’s my responsibility to do all the due diligence I can to make sure an idea will succeed before I ask others to invest time or resources in it. ___

B: I’m willing to take a team along with me to pursue my vision or idea – even before I’m sure it will work. I mean, who can predict what will work? __

Where did you answer A and see that you’d like to move more in the B answer direction? What would that look like for you?

This isn’t just about being successful at work. The spiritual side to this is that it’s really about being true to yourself, honoring your voice, honoring the point of view that life/God/universe gave you – and trusting that it is your path to share that point of view. It’s also about being vulnerable, and about getting in the sandbox to play with the other kids.

It’s also about serving the world. I’m tired of feeling, after I came home from a walk with girlfriends on a Saturday morning, that I just heard ten brilliant insights and ideas that could change the world –from sane, ethical, smart, humble women. The problem is that those ideas are getting heard mostly on walks and over coffee and on phone calls among female friends around the world –when they also need to be taking center stage in op-ed pages, in board rooms, and on the floors of congress.

I think this is the era to change that, to take the points of view and perspectives and questions and ideas and new frameworks and innovations that are present but latent within us, and bring them forth—big, bold, revolutionary—into the culture.

p.s My new women’s leadership/sharing your voice/living your brilliance/following your calling program, Playing Big, is opening for registration in a just a couple weeks. Click here to sign up for more information, special discounts, and all that good stuff!

Love, Tara

Each one hikes her life
around her axis of mystery.

You are here only because
the cells balanced in some dark place,
the cells found each other in some dark place.

You were some mind’s long journey
before you became the one
that takes the journey.

You were miracles in the making
before you became the one
whose palms bounce miracles

like children bounce jacks on the gray sidewalk.

Several years ago, I was attending a conference for professionals in philanthropy. I attended one session focused on one of the big challenges in the industry. I knew I held a very controversial view: that the older generation of professionals and institutions was preventing the very kind of change they were calling for, because of their attachment to realities that no longer existed. Normally, I would have kept quiet about that. After all, lots of those older generation folks were in the room – and they were powerful. Plus, no one else was mentioning it. And what would it do to my professional reputation to say something so confrontational?

But for some reason, that day, I raised my hand and spit out my view to all fifty folks in the room. Quite honestly, the main reason was fatigue – I was too tired from a 5am flight to operate with my filter on. I said plainly what I thought was wrong with the situation, and how the older institutions and professionals weren’t dealing with changing realities. I spoke about one particularly hot button issue that people tended to avoid talking about. I was blunt and passionate.

What happened next shocked me. People in the session became energized, and starting talking about the issue I had raised. People kept referring to me and my comment, talking about me like I was an important person: “The issue that Tara raised” … “As Tara noted in her comment…” “I want to respond to what Tara said…” When the session closed, many of them came over to me. They wanted to get coffee later in the conference, invite me to sit on this committee, hand me their card. That group included many of the more established professionals and institutions I’d criticized in my comment.

As I wandered back to my hotel room, I realized: Everything I had believed about the costs of making that comment was wrong. In fact, in making my controversial comment, I found visibility, connection and belonging with the group.

I realized: I was making this kind of mis-estimation every day, keeping my most radical views to myself, not sharing ideas or critiques of the status quo. I thought I was “being appropriate,” maintaining relationships, and doing the professionally wise thing, but actually I was preventing myself being known, from standing out – and from being seen as a real leader in my (then) field.

For me, this experience was about—yes—authenticity and professional success. But more deeply, it was about participating and belonging. Sometimes I fall into the illusion that if I show up in the room (if I attend the conference, the dinner party, the meeting – whatever it is ) and be friendly and nice – then I’m participating and as a result I’ll feel a sense of belonging. Not so. Belonging depends on authenticity, vulnerability – because it’s only in being ourselves do we get to feel we truly have been seen, that we truly belong. For me, that always feels scary, but it also makes life exciting. The most mundane-feeling experiences become exciting when we challenging ourselves to really show up authentically and share our point of view. The conference experience was so illuminating for me because it said to me so clearly: in ways beyond what you think, you can be you and belong.

When I’ve decided that my view is so far from what is mainstream I can’t even share it; when I’ve decided that the changes I’d like to see are just never going to happen, when I’ve decided that they are idiots, or that they just don’t get it – and then out of that judgment I don’t even share my point of view (except when ranting to friends on the phone after the fact, of course)– it only ends up isolating me, and reinforcing the idea that I have to somehow hide myself in the world. It robs me from that incredible experience of being seen and welcomed.

Maybe, at some earlier points along the way, I just didn’t have what I needed, internally, to speak up. I didn’t have the skills or the inner strength or the insensitivity to praise and criticism. Maybe you didn’t either. But now we are grown up. And we want to play big and change the world. We aren’t powerless kids or teens fighting for social survival any more. We’ve recovered from earlier experiences when we shared our ideas and got hurt or rejected. We are educated, wise, and diplomatic. We can start really bringing our voices – big, bold, bright – to the table.

Where in your life have you been shrinking or covering up your voice?

Where in your life are you willing to experiment with sharing your voice more fully?

Love,

Tara

Hi Everyone,

I have a couple of delightful things to share with you today.

1. Since I’ve become a blogger, I’ve been spending a lot more time with social media. About seven hundred times as much time as I ever did before. And while the connections made through social media can be soul nourishing and wonderful for my work, there is definitely a dark side: the addictive quality of social media, the sense of constant distraction, the overwhelming amounts of information…

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the guidelines I’ve developed for myself to mitigate that downside, in a post called “ Using Social Media Sanely” – over at Charlie Gilkey’s blog.

Turns out some of my other favorite women on the web were writing about this topic too. We all think it’s so important we are doing a panel discussion about it next Monday, March 7th, and it’s free. I’ll be joined my this incredible crew: best-selling author Jen Louden; human rights advocate, yogini and writer Marianne Elliott and intuitive, writer and life-shifter, Bridget Pilloud. And our discussion will be facilitated by the fabulous writer and lifestyle design expert Tara Gentile, aka Scoutie Girl. We’ll cover: how to set energetic boundaries and practice discernment with social media, how to take a digital sabbatical without feeling like you’ll die, and how you can stay centered in the midst of the “cool kids” scene that happens with social media. You can sign up to attend live or get the recording HERE.

2. Delight #2 is this. Artist Leonie Allen has created this inspiring ebook in which twenty creative women write about their morning routines – what they do that helps them set the right foundation for the day. I’m honored to be included as one of them. I learned so much – and was so inspired – reading it. You can download it HERE.

Enjoy!

Love,

Tara

A question for you: what is your relationship with negotiation?

What happens in your body when you hear the word? What happens to heart rate, body tension? What memories come up – positive or negative?

If you don’t like negotiation, you need to know:
1. You aren’t alone
2. It can be different.

It’s possible to transform that squeamish, get-me-out-of-here attitude to a totally different experience where you feel comfortable – and even enjoy – negotiating. That’s my story.

I started as someone who figured out how little she could live on and then suggested that for her salary (nice, huh?) and now am someone who actually enjoys a serious salary negotiation.

What made the difference for me was simply this: training in negotiation, specifically for women.

Research shows that while men think of negotiation as something similar to “wrestling a match” or “winning a ballgame,” women tend of think of it as something like “going to the dentist.” Sounds about right – doesn’t it?

Women find it so unpleasant they often opt out. Over their lives, men initiate negotiations about four times as often as women, and 20% of women never negotiate at all.

And listen to this: in many industries the pay gap between men and women is equivalent to the amount that men’s salaries were increased through their negotiations – suggesting that the pay gap in those industries in mostly due to women not asking for more money.

Of course, negotiation is not just about money. We need negotiation to get the work flexibility we want, and perhaps most importantly – to determine what responsibilities and projects our jobs will and will not involve. Entrepreneurs need it to. Women not working need it to – to deal with the insurance company, the neighbors, the other people on the volunteer committee, your kids’ doctor…you get the idea.

Like many women, for a long time I made the mistake of just not negotiating. I also made the mistake of thinking negotiation is something special that happened rarely – when I got a new job, for example. I came to see that negotiation is actually a kind of conversation that happens every day – as we interact with other people, who have different needs and preferences than we do. Without negotiation, people’s needs get squashed. Resentment festers. Passive aggressive and manipulative behavior arises in an attempt to meet needs that were not discussed – explicitly – in negotiation. All kinds of dysfunction happens! Women make the mistake of thinking we can keep relationships clean and harmonious by keeping negotiation out of the picture. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When you think about the impact of going through all those situations in your life day in and day out without a negotiation toolkit – and a concept of negotiation – that really serves you well – that’s big.

So why is it so tough for women to negotiate? Several reasons. We have a screwed up concept of what negotiation is ( that is a kind of high-risk, adversarial interaction) and that makes us freaked out about it. We value harmony. Highlighting areas where our desires or preferences conflict with another person’s? That can feel totally odd, crazy, impossible.

Second, we underestimate ourselves. Even if we’ve been offered the job, even if we’ve been invited into the partnership (or whatever the situation may be) we aren’t likely to see we are wanted, valued, and that we have leverage. Power. Influence. And we really can’t see that asking for stuff could actually benefit our relationship with the other party – deepen it, allow them to feel they’ve given something important to us, allow them to know the exchange is really working.

And then of course for women, there’s always the specter of the things we don’t want to be called. We don’t want to be called a bitch. We don’t want to be seen as “not nice.” We don’t want people to say “who does she think she is?” We all know that we don’t say and don’t do a lot of things because of those fears.

What helped me tremendously in my own life was getting some real negotiation training, training specifically designed for women. I went from hating and being scared of negotiation to kinda looking forward to it (really!) and seeing it as a time when I got to feel great about myself, ask for what I needed, and have a rich and real dialogue (usually over days, weeks – not minutes) about what the other party could do to ensure everyone’s needs got met.

Negotiation is not just a business or life skill. It’s much deeper than that. For women, it’s about how we are able to know and honor our own needs, and then deal with those needs in the (ack!) real world where people might have a thing or two to say about them.

It’s also about, spiritually, a kind of coming into the light – the light of realizing how much we are worth to the people we work with, the light of how much power we have to get our needs met. It’s about getting rid of the beliefs we have about how we have to compromise here and there – and seeing that the possibilities are greater than we thought they were.

That’s why, I’d ask you today to take a look, or do some journaling about:
What’s your relationship with negotiation?
What comes up for you around it?
What kind of negotiator do you want to be?
Where in your life is negotiation called for – and you are turning away from it?

Love, Tara

P.S. If you missed Thursday’s post on Playing Big, check it out here. I’m sharing about the new women’s leadership program I’m creating – which I’m so excited about.

I really did grow up analyzing my dreams with my mom at the breakfast table, over oatmeal. She’d take out a yellow pad and we’d sit at the kitchen table diagramming the dreams, talking about different archetypes from Jungian psychology.

I was taught that our dreams reflect what’s happening in our unconscious emotional lives, and by understanding them, we gain a kind of roadmap for navigating our conscious lives.

And if I came home from school complaining about some boy saying mean things to me on the playground, she wouldn’t say, “That’s not right. He shouldn’t do that! ” She wouldn’t say, “Did you stand up to him?” She wouldn’t say, “Do you want me to call the teacher?” She would say, “Now Tara, what do you think is going on for Johnny at home that would cause him to do that?”

Yup. That’s how I grew up.

My mom wasn’t a therapist. She had an undergraduate degree in psychology, and a passion for it. Books about psychology and spirituality from all religions lined the bookshelves in the house. I grew up reading them.

Combine all this with being an only child, born to parents who were about forty when they had their first child, and you got a kid that wasn’t exactly the typical…kid. A kind of kid-grownup, we might say.

Sometimes, all the stuff I was raised with could feel isolating, because I was looking at things differently than the other kids. But mostly, the way I was raised gave me the tremendous gift of empathy, the tool of being able to understand others, to always see, with compassion, why they were doing what they were doing.

What strikes me most about this upbringing is how many conventional notions of what “kids can understand” my parents defied.

I know many parents who think that their grade school kids wouldn’t be able to digest or benefit from the question “What do you think is going on for Johnny at home that would make him do that?” I think they are underestimating their kids.

We can raise really enlightened kids – kids with capacity for empathy, with wisdom – if we point them in that direction. It’s up to the adults to not model blame or enemy-making, but instead explore with them how everyone is doing what they are doing for their own emotional and psychological reasons. It’s possible to teach kids that when people can do better, they will do better – if for no other reason than to relieve themselves of the suffering that comes with anger, with aggression, with harming others.

When kids are taught this, they gain real emotional safety. This weekend, at a meditation retreat I attended with Sharon Salzberg, Sharon kept speaking about strength. How we have to look at the things that we think give us strength, that we think make us strong and examine: how strong are they really? How strong is anger really? How strong does it make us? How strong is hatred really? Do those things actually strengthen us, or do they weaken us? And what, in your experience –Sharon asked us to consider — really is strong? What is durable, reliable, always there for us?

My own experience is that strength is found through compassion and empathy – not aggression and might. From a place of empathy, I can see the truth that there are no bad guys, no enemies, no monsters under the bed. There are only people in pain and illusion acting out of that pain and illusion – in ways that harm others and themselves.

When we – (kids, adults, anyone) start believing there are “bad people”, we act in a way that creates more separation, delusion, and violence in the world. We go off on lots of futile efforts, seeking to defend ourselves in ways that don’t really protect us from harm.

Worst of all, when we see others as “bad” or “mean” or “immoral” or whatever it may be, we start reassuring ourselves that we aren’t like the “bad people.” We try to convince ourselves we are the “good people.” We do that by denying our own greed, fear, harmfulness – the very stuff inside of us that we need to be looking at, that we need to be willing to examine and get to know – so we can work with it.

What role does empathy and compassion play in your life? And what do you think about how we can raise emotionally aware, spiritually-connected kids?

Love,

Tara